The "Write the Future" Curse

"Write the Future" is the name of the breathtaking Nike soccer ad that feels more like a movie trailer. While the reviews have been resoundingly positive, its cast has performed less than admirably in real life. Could there be a "Write the Future" curse? Let's examine the evidence.

First, here's the ad in case y'all haven't seen it yet:



Let's break it down:

1. The first player to touch the ball is Didier Drogba, from the Côte d'Ivoire (Ivory Coast). Days before the World Cup, Drogba broke his arm in a friendly against Japan. While he has admirably taken the pitch despite the injury, his contributions have been limited. Furthermore, his team will likely fail to advance from its group.

2. Fabio Cannavaro takes over next in the commercial. Italy--the team for which Cannavaro plays and the defending champions--lost today to Slovakia and consequently finished last in its group (a group widely believed to be the weakest of the 8).

3. After Cannavaro comes Wayne Rooney, the diminutive English striker. While England has advanced, they look very shaky (they finished behind the United States, need I say more?) and Rooney has been kept off the scoresheet. I'm gonna chalk this up as evidence in favor of the curse.

4. When Rooney makes his heroic tackle, the commercial cuts to scenes of Rooney's popularity/greatness, including one where he bests Roger Federer at ping-pong. Federer has struggled mightily at Wimbledon this year, getting taken to five sets in his first match and going to four in his next (both against unknown opponents).

5. Next after Rooney we see the one-and-only Ronaldinho, the oft-imitated Brazilian superstar. At this point you're thinking, "Brazil have looked untouchable so far...surely this can't be evidence of a curse." But wait, don't forget that Ronaldinho himself was left off Brazil's World Cup team. Clearly, the commercial has used its powers to curse Ronaldinho while rewarding those who have neglected him (his national team).

6. One of the celebrity cameos we see is Kobe "No surname necessary" Bryant doing his own version of the Ronaldinho stepover celebration. Kobe just won his fifth ring by beating the archrival Celtics--he's on top of the world right now. So, obviously, Kobe is the exception that proves the rule. Moving on...

7. Cristiano Ronaldo features last in the ad, and I gotta admit, his team has played well (it helps to have someone like North Korea to use as a punching bag). But surely the Curse has something in store for this Mediterranean metrosexual--besides, if it doesn't, I'm sure I can use my heightened powers of rationalization to explain why Ronaldo's success is not evidence against the existence of the Curse.

8. Homer Simpson. Well, the Simpsons have been going downhill for a while, so unless the Curse is able to have some sort of causal effect on events that occurred earlier in time, we'll just have to view Homer's appearance as a wash.


So, you decide: is this curse just a series of unfortunate coincidences* or something rivaling 4 8 15 16 23 42? Only time will tell...





Update: Apparently I'm not the only person to have this idea. For what it's worth, I didn't bite anyone's shit, I came up with this on my own.

*ELAINE: Well, I mean, he was in the apartment, and then it's gon and it's in your apartment.

RAVA: Maybe you think we're in cahoots.

ELAINE: No, no.. but it is quite a coincidence.

RAVA: Yes, that's all, a coincidence!

ELAINE: A big coincidence.

RAVA: Not a big coincidence. A coincidence!

ELAINE: No, that's a big coincidence.

RAVA: That's what a coincidence is! There are no small coincidences and big coincidences!