How to Fly, part 2

Okay, so you've made it through that obnoxious body-scanner without trouble.  Now, what? Read on...

10. Head straight to your gate to ensure that you have the right information, then go straight to the bar or restaurant of your choice.  Passengers act like in order to be admitted onto the plane, they need to anchor themselves to a chair in that uncomfortable vestibule.  Insider's tip: it's the ticket that gets you aboard, not how long you spent watching CNN Headline News!

11.  Use the bathroom right before you get on the plane, so that you likely won't have to go mid-flight.  That just saves everyone some trouble.  Make sure to wash your hands.  Why?  Cuz if you don't, it's gross--what kind of question is that?

12. Get back to the gate five to ten minutes after you're supposed to begin boarding; that way, you don't have to wait with the rest of the cattle.  Trust me, you'll see them plenty once you're in the air.

13. Assuming you couldn't find someone to gamble with at the kiosk, you're stuck in coach.  No big deal.  First, put your suitcase in the earliest available overhead storage bin.  Show me the amendment to the U.S. Constitution that requires your bag to be directly over your seat.  You can't!  You just can't.  The closer to the front your bag is, the less you have to carry it.  Boom.

14. Find your seat.  If your neighbor has already arrived, size him/her up.  Assign a number 1-10 to both his/her conversation skills and looks.  (If your neighbor is of a sex to which you're not attracted, the maximum rating for looks is a 3.)  Add the two numbers: if the sum is more than 10, make small talk with your neighbor and jump to Step 16.  Else, feign an inability to speak English and proceed to Step 15.

15. Still got that hoodie?  Nice.  Put the hood up, lean against the window, and snake your mp3 player underneath your sweatshirt so that you can listen to music while the plane is taking off.  Yes, it's illegal and probably violates federal law, but this is America and no one's gonna tell me when I can't listen to music!  That's censorship!

16. Don't lean your seat back.  (I'm talking to you, KK.)  The .02 units of utility you gain don't justify the 10 units of disutility you've just imposed on the guy behind you.*  In the unlikely event that the person in the seat in front of you doesn't read this blog, put your knees firmly into his seat when you see him moving for the button.  Hopefully, he'll feel the bump and realize that you're not the typical tractable traveler.  If he presses the button anyways, use your knees to resist his lean.  That's the best you can do short of threatening him, unfortunately.

17. Threaten him.

18. Do your best to sleep on the plane, but don't plan on it.  If you can't, grab the in-flight magazine and attend to the crossword/Sudoku.  Celebrate loudly upon completion, to signal to the plane that you're their intellectual superior.  (Never too early to begin angling for the role of "Jack" should your plane crash onto a mysterious island.)  If that doesn't pass enough time, head to the Mensa quiz and, only as a last resort, peruse the magazine's articles.  Memorize the "Top 5 Plastic Surgeons in ," in case you ever decide to pull the trigger on those calf implants.

19. When it's time for beverage service, make sure you ask for a can of whatever soda you're choosing.  That way, they don't stiff you and you get the full twelve ounces.  If you feigned English earlier, stammer, "un can of Dr. Pepper, por favor."  Try to throw a bit of an accent on it, too.  You'll likely get a suspicious glance from your unattractive/uninteresting seat-mate, but pay him no mind: it's your world; he's just living in it.

20. By now, you should be descending.  Clutch your armrests, look frantically around the cabin, and scream, "we're going dowwwwn!"  It's technically true, so you can't go to prison or anything.

21. All right, we've made it! We touched down, and the pilot just turned off the seatbelt light.  Resist the urge to pop out of your seat--you ain't going anywhere, and odds are you'll have to hunch over to stand.  When the traffic in front of you finally clears up, stroll comfortably to your carry-on bag, which should be somewhere near the first-class section, and snatch it without breaking stride.  Throw a peace sign to the stewardesses, compliment (or criticize) the pilot on the smoothness of his landing, and continue into the terminal, thus ending your journey.

Thanks for reading--I know you had a choice in blogs, and I'm happy that you chose this one.

*ugh, did I just support my argument with utilitarianism?  Aniuta would kill me.  RIP, Aniuta...gone but not forgotten.