How to Fly

Being 1100 miles from home has its advantages.  For one, I've pretty much mastered the art of air travel.  (Unfortunately, much of my mastery has come from trial and error, but no matter.)  Here's my foolproof method for making the most out of an airplane flight:

1. Learn how to flip a coin such that you can tell in advance which side it'll land on.  Trust me, this is doable.

2. Use kayak.com to find a flight.  It compares the fares of multiple airlines (though it omits some, like Southwest), and there aren't any fees to use it.  Plus, it has a handy matrix feature that's available once you register (again, for free) that lets you see various prices within a seven-day window.

You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

3. Make sure you have the correct dates.  I once booked a flight home for Thanksgiving, only to discover that Thanksgiving was actually a week after I'd be headed back to the Chi.  Embarrassing and costly, yes.  Surprising, no.

4. Go online and choose your seat.  Sit as close to the front as possible.  It's 10x better to be one of the first ones off the plane than one of the first ones on the plane.  I'll leave the "window vs. aisle" question up to you, as it's been discussed many times before.  I prefer the window because (1) I don't mind asking the person next to me to stand up when I have to use the bathroom, and (2) it's tough for me to sleep in an aisle seat because I have a constant fear of getting my knee bashed by the drink cart.

5. Pack everything into a carry-on.  You get one legitimate suitcase and one backpack/purse to put under your seat.  If you can't get fit your stuff into these two items, stay home and hold a fucking garage sale.

Make sure to bring food for the plane--and don't be the guy who buys a malodorous sandwich at the airport and carries it on with him.  Have some respect for the people around you.  Similarly, avoid foods that can cause a mess or spill easily.  You may enjoy a bowl of soup, but while you're eating it, your neighbor will alternate between staring daggers at you and praying that the plane doesn't hit any turbulence.  Insider's tip: if you're that unfortunate person seated next to a man who decided to pack a three-course meal, a few well-placed sneezes will deter him from continuing with his dinner.

6. Don't check in beforehand.

7. If it's cold--or if it will be cold in the city you're visiting--wear a hooded sweatshirt to the airport.  Planes are often much colder than you'd expect.  Make sure to wear one of those surgical masks, as well.  That way, people will know how lame and un-American you are.

This guy definitely got all the girls in high school.

7. Get to the airport forty-five minutes before boarding time, more or less.  You have at least ten minutes from the start of boarding to make it to your flight, so you're giving yourself almost an hour to make it to the gate.  If it's gonna take you more than an hour to navigate security, it's not worth flying.  Just eat the airfare, text the person expecting your arrival that you won't be making it after all, and be happy that you didn't waste more than an hour at the airport.

8. When you get to the airport, check in there.  Use a self-help kiosk.  (General rule: avoid human contact whenever possible.)  It shouldn't take more than 5 minutes, and by checking in at the airport, you give yourself an opportunity to switch your seat even closer to the front of the plane.  Try your best to snare an exit-row seat.  If the kiosk asks you whether you'd like to upgrade to first class, turn to the nearest person and size him up.  If he looks like the gambling type *cough Asian cough*, ask him if he wants to flip a coin for upgrades--whereby if you lose, you pay for both upgrades and if he loses, first class is on him.  He'll agree, and here's where you work your coin magic.  Have him call it before you flip it, then obviously flip it in a way that is beneficial to you.  If he reneges, wave over TSA and tell 'em you heard he mentioned something about a bomb or a hijacking.  That way, at least he'll miss his flight.  (You'll likely miss yours, too, but it's part of the Gambler's Code to punish welshers.)

9. While in line to go through security, take the following items off or out of your pockets and put them into your backpack/purse: wallet, keys, cell phone, belt, jacket/sweater.  Empty your pockets completely so that you don't have loose items going on the conveyor belt.  (You'll need your ID, so extract that from your wallet beforehand but put it back in there immediately after getting the check-off from the post-man.)  Put the shoes on the belt directly, unless instructed otherwise, but keep them on until it's time to be x-rayed.  Why walk across the floor in your socks when you don't have to?

If you're traveling with a laptop, take it out of your backpack and put it in a tray by itself.  If you're without a notebook computer, you're likely going to be asked by TSA whether you have one, anyways--apparently, people forget to remove them from their bags all the time.  This is your time to shine.  After TSA asks you, "sir/ma'am, do you have a laptop?" say something like, "no, thanks, I'm not really in the market for one right now."  Make sure you say it loudly enough for everyone to hear, as this retort is sure to draw a chuckle and an approving smile from every passenger and security agent within earshot.  If you don't get the desired reaction, repeat your line word for word because they must not have heard you.  If you hit the jackpot and get asked, "sir/ma'am, do you have a P.C.," scoff and respond as condescendingly as possible, "no, I have a Mac....and it's at home."


Hurray, you've made it through security!  Part II to follow...